I often talk about the things I go through as a father that’s away from home. It’s definitely rough not seeing my kids at times. Some days I wonder if I should do something else even though I love my job. There’s definitely no way I’d be happy doing something different and I think being happy at work makes a huge difference in your life. There is one factor that makes working out here possible and that’s my kid’s mother.
My wife and I have been split up for around a year. I never bring this up because I really never knew how writing about it would make her feel. When I left the house it was a very sad time for both of us and a tough decision for me. It hurt her and I didn’t want to make that pain worse by her reading about it in this blog. It wasn’t always easy for me either. It’s the hardest decision that I’ve ever made in my life and I think it was best for both of us. The fact that she needed me to leave for her to be happy is the reason I did it.
My wife and I were married for 12 years. We had our ups and downs the whole time but the last few years it seems we were fighting more and more. Often times I would get upset over the most trivial things and blow up about it. It made me hate myself. I didn’t want to be mad at my wife. I didn’t want to yell at her. It really got to me and the more I did this the more unhappy I became in the situation. I knew I wasn’t happy and I would never make her happy. I didn’t want to be the cause of someone I loved being miserable for the rest of her life, and she would have stayed with me and been unhappy. She’s a loyal woman and would do that to keep her family whole.
After I moved out there were adjustments. I know she was upset with me and people thought I should just go back. She wanted me to come back and honestly I did too. I knew I did the right thing though. I obviously still saw my kids all the time. We started adjusting. One thing was we said no matter what we would get along and still have a family of us and the kids. We would still do things together when we could. If mom makes a rule I still back her on it and vice versa. I often see parents that say they’ll do anything for their kids but they can’t get along with their ex. I don’t understand that. Relationships change. That doesn’t mean we can’t make the most of our situation for the people who matter most. Our children are the people who matter most in a family. We are responsible to do what’s best for them.
I can honestly say that now that we are Seperated Kimberley is my best friend. People say they married their best friend and I don’t necessarily think we were that close all the time when we were married. Now I feel much closer to her as a friend. We are generally more concerned with how the other is doing and we still support each other 100%. She is truly one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known and I’m happy to still remain as close as we are. I know she’s finally seeing that the change in our relationship is for the best. Recently I asked her if she was happy and she said yes. She probably finally realized how much of a pain in the ass I was (or am). I could tell she really meant it. That she’s finally happy again. I think as a family we all are even though we aren’t the same.
I guess I always try to make a point at the end of these. Today I think that point is even if things don’t work out we don’t have to be ugly or hateful. You don’t need to make things tougher on the other people involved just because you can’t get along. Relationships are give and take. Like it or not if kids are involved that never ends, together or not.
I recently talked to my oldest daughter Marie’s mom. She’s a senior in high school this year and was accepted to LSU . It’s amazing how the time flies with her and how much I’ve missed. The thought that her high school graduation will likely be the last milestone of her childhood does make me rather sad but that’s not the main thought I had when hearing this.
I thought about how good a kid she’s been over the years. Her mother and I talk quite a bit at times so I’ve definitely got a feel of what kind of person she is. Full of love and happiness. Her mom and dad have done a great job raising her and that definitely makes me happy.
Now that gets me thinking about the two little Devils I have running around now. My kids are definitely good, loving kids, but if left to their own devices I’m sure they could overthrow a small government with the terror they can reign down. They are kids after all so they require a nudge in the right direction at times. The question is am I nudging them the right way? It’s hard for any of us to say that as parents. We all have our own ways of parenting so it’s tough to say what’s right or wrong. I’m sure we all worry to an extent of how what we do now will shape them as adults.
Take a look at me. I was a relatively good kid. Rambunctious to say the least but an A student growing up. Never got into trouble at school until my last year of high school. My parents didn’t drink or smoke. Disciplined me when needed. They were both teachers and they both loved me and showed that every day. That being the case as I got older I got more and more rebellious. Getting into trouble as a teenager was regular, and it was often very bad trouble. My first time getting in trouble at school I got expelled then shortly after that I was sent to juvenile detention. (As far as I know this detention was shut down by the federal government because of many reported cases of abuse to the kids there)
The fact of the matter is I did these things despite having two of the best parents you could ask for. I’m sure once my behavior went South it made things extremely hard on them not knowing how to get me to snap out of it. How did their little boy turn into this uncontrollable royal pain in the ass? I have no idea. This is what scares me about parenting. It makes me nervous to think I could go through what my parents went through with me. It would break my heart to witness my children endure what I did even if it was my own stupidity that did it. I hate that my mother and father had to witness it.
That said I’m happy that my daughter has had two of the best parents she could ask for. It’s truly a blessing to know that they were there for her and the have molded her into the wonderful woman she has become. Of course they can thank me for her good looks but that’s not what we’re discussing now. Same with Coleman and Julia’s mom. She carries the burden of having to do everything two thirds of the time because of my schedule. I couldn’t ask for a better mother or role model for them. Again they are also good looking. You’re welcome.
I guess the point here is none of us never really know what will happen. As parents we have to just be ready to adapt and do what’s best for our children in any situation. Remember they will not always do what you want or what you expect. I know my parents did and they never gave up. Just took them a little while to get the product they wanted and deserved.
“I sustain myself with the love of family” ― Maya Angelou
Throughout my life I have done a lot of things that I know now were fairly stupid on my part. Nobody would agree with that more than my family. They’ve been there for all of it. I’m not talking about my wife and kids, although I’m sure they would agree also.
I’m talking about my mother, father and sister. They were there for the really stupid stuff. They’ve seen me at my absolute worst. I know a lot of its hurt them along the way but they always stuck by me. Even when my mother had to drop me off at a prison on her birthday she was there with opened arms when I returned. Yes my mom had to take me to turn myself in on her birthday 15 years ago. I wasn’t getting an award for son of the year then for sure. Regardless of the past none of them turned their back on me. They may have disagreed with my actions. They may have used tough love on me but they were always there. The love they gave me got me through it all.
This is on my mind this morning for good reason. I have a good friend that I have known for 20 years. Ever since I’ve known her she’s had a best friend in her sister. They have recently had a disagreement and it has driven a major wedge in there friendship. I see how this tearing her apart. She’s going through a very tough time and I know how much she needs her sister.
It makes me think of the relationship I have with my own sister. I’ll be the first to admit she is a pain in the ass (she’d say the same of me). We may not talk as often as we’d like. She lives in Pennsylvania and I live in Louisiana. We’ve lived entirely different lives. We can’t talk at all about politics. None of that matters though. We are always there for each other if need be. She can call me for anything and she knows it, as long as it’s not to talk politics.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that my heart breaks for one of my closest friends. She has to go through the toughest thing she’s ever endured without the person she needs there most. Where would I be without my family that has backed me? Not where I am today. I wouldn’t be the father, or man I am without them. I wouldn’t have my family since my sister introduced me to my wife. If I did something stupid right now my family would be there for me. They would call me an idiot and maybe slap me in the head (or downright beat the hell out of me), but they would see me through it.
So let’s all try to understand what the people close to us are going through. We may not like what they do or how they do things, but that doesn’t change the fact that they need us. Plus if you stop talking to the ones you love most who’s going to tell them, “I told you so”?