Wandering Minds of the Mississippi

For the most part our lives at work are pretty hectic. Not much time for personal thought. Whether you work in an office, in retail or some other professional setting you quite often have time for just your work with barely enough break to catch your breath. That isn’t always the case for the captain of a tugboat.

I once had a fellow wheelman describe our job as 95% boredom and 5% sheer terror. That’s pretty accurate and I find this job is often quite relaxing and to me rewarding. I like what I do and often enjoy the quiet days alone in the wheel house. I’m sure we all think about different things. Sometimes it may be important, stressful things at home like bills or family problems. Often times its trivial, idiotic ramblings of our minds like the threat of the zombie apocalypse. Maybe all of the apes will escape zoos and labs and get injected with a genetically engineered virus that makes them smart and they take over the world while the virus simultaneously kills all the humans? It could happen.

I myself think about the loved ones I have at home. I most often think about my children and most of all my daughter Marie. She’s the one I mentioned in my first post that is 15. I haven’t seen her since she was just a baby. She didn’t even know that I was her dad until five years ago when she was ten years old. Until then she thought her mom’s husband was her father, and he is. A very loving father from what I understand and they are both extremely close. It’s something that I’m very thankful for because she deserves to have someone like him in her life.

Losing her has put an almost unbearable weight on my shoulders over the last 15 years. It’s caused me to be extremely depressed at times and has left me full of regret. The last five years her mother and I have become friends again. I would even say that in my eyes we are very close friends which is amazing since I thought for years that if we ever spoke we would both need to be heavily armed to defend ourselves at any moment. She knows that I have never forgiven myself for losing my daughter and insists I should. That every thing happens for a reason and that this is no different. She says when she is ready Marie will want to know me and I hope she’s right. I love my daughter with all my heart whether I know her or not and I can’t wait to be able to tell her that someday. Even with the hope that this will happen there is a fear that overwhelms me. What if she never wants to know me? What if she hates me for not being there, for leaving her? I may feel this way forever and I accept that. If my punishment for my actions is this empty place in my heart then maybe I deserve to feel this way as a reminder of what I’ve done.

It’s hard to deal with losing someone you love so much due to your mistakes. Just remember the next time you have one of those days, as you think about the important people in your life, make sure you do whatever it takes to never lose them. Take it from a man with few regrets that the things you do regret can possibly cause you and others pain and sadness for the rest of your lives. Feelings I hope nobody lives with. If you are do whatever you can to make things better. Remember there’s only so much time before that zombie apocalypse happens. Then it will be too late.

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3 thoughts on “Wandering Minds of the Mississippi

  1. Time heals all wounds. Just keep the door of opportunity open and be ready to embrace her. I have been on the opposite end of a similar story, as she matures and gets a clearer view of life … she’ll come around! It will be on you to make the best of your second chance.

  2. Bestie…..we have spoken several times on this issue. I can not fully understand what you are feeling but I def can relate. As amazing as my dad IS, he was not there for my oldest sister, his oldest daughter. I did not meet her until she was in her 20’s. She was adopted by her step dad and raised by him and no contact with us. When she was ready, she contacted us and we FULLY accepted and were beyond thrilled to have her a part of our lives. We now all have a loving relationship. Because of how far she lives, we do not get to see each other but we stay in touch and I am so thankful for FB and things like that so we can share our lives. She is a mother of 7 and all of my nieces and nephews know the full situation and they all have forgiven my dad and love him dearly. Though I know it is still a different love that daddy has with her, he truly loves her and regrets his mistakes. What has happened can not be erased. You are an amazing dad with JUJU and Cole and prob overcompensate for Marie, but one day she will understand better. Right now she is too young. Continue communicating with her mom and making efforts to reunite. DON’T STOP THAT! I am proud of you for talking about it and not holding it inside. I am proud of you and I know how far you have come!

    Love ya Bestie,
    Sweets

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